As I'm sure you're all aware, today is Valentine's Day. For those of us with no human Valentine (yes, I have a fluffy puppy who loves me dearly - not the same, though) to share today with, it can be a pretty boring and lonely day. As I cruised through some of the newsletters offered through the Center for Mindful Eating, I came across a few articles focused on loneliness. They were so profound, I felt like I needed to share them with everyone - especially those, like me, who find today a slightly cruel reminder of everything I'm missing out on.
Read on.
The Heart of Loneliness
By Char Wilkins, MSW, LCSW
Many of our patients and clients don't know they are lonely.
Loneliness is an emotion no one likes to experience. Underneath loneliness is fear, and fear is too
overwhelming an emotion to even consider. Loneliness is such an isolated, disconnected
and painful experience that people will do almost anything to avoid feeling it.
Many people either binge eat or restrict eating to avoid this pain.
Most people don’t want to be perceived as lonely or admit to
themselves that they feel lonely at times. Whereas an emotion like anger might
“fill” us, loneliness tends to “drain” us, and we feel bottomless and hollow, an
aching, scary emptiness. Often the underlying reason people overeat is because
they are trying to use food to fill the emptiness
they feel inside. Lost in the complexity of a disordered eating pattern, they
feel hopelessly trapped and ashamed. But because loneliness is often masked by other
emotions, it’s challenging to uncover. It often masquerades as anger – anger about
having no willpower, anger at the food, the media or a loved one who insists on
bringing home her favorite crème-filled chocolates to “cheer her up,” or anger
about family or work pressures.
Pam, a 56-year-old highly capable administrator of a large
organization, found herself at yet another obligatory after work event for “political”
reasons. She tried to look happy and engaged, but there really wasn’t anyone
she wanted to connect with, especially about work-related topics. Striking up a
conversation with a stranger felt like more effort than she could muster after
an exhausting day at work. She was tired and just wanted to get home and fall into
bed.
Of course, as with most after work events, there were buffet
tables full of platters of food. It was the dessert table that called to her.
She described the array of sweets as being luminous and pulsing, like a siren
luring her, calling, “Eat me.” She looked at all the possibilities of “soft” foods
as she called them, the foods that soothed and numbed the all-too familiar
restlessness she was experiencing. This evening, however, she was able to slow
the drive toward the laden dessert table by shifting her attention to
mindfulness of the body. She noticed the physical sensations in her body: tightness
in her chest, shrinking feeling in her arms, stomach and heart. As best she
could, she kept her attention on those sensations, not thinking about them,
just lightly observing them with curiosity and without judgment. She allowed
them to be felt and known. It was difficult to stay with them, but as the
sensations changed and faded, she became aware that she felt lonely and sad
standing there. She thought that she was just angry about having to show up at
yet another event when she really wanted to be home, but through mindful
awareness, she had insight into her underlying loneliness and sadness.
Loneliness is a hole
in the heart that food will never fill.
To avoid feeling loneliness, people ignore, numb or push
away any signals that suggest there is a restlessness or uneasiness in mind, heart
and body. It’s important to recognize that this is a form of self care. Even
though it does not arise from awareness, and is likely based in habitual and
reactive patterns, it is the best way clients know how to endure the discomfort
they are experiencing. Seeing these destructive behaviors as habituated coping
skills rather than resistance can help professionals have a better
understanding of their clients' struggles and to be more patient and compassionate.
Although each person experiences the physical sensations of
loneliness differently in their body, many people often report feeling hollow
and empty, and having a withering or shrinking sensation in their arms, chest
or stomach. These descriptive words are also often used when people are feeling
afraid. Becoming mindful of body sensations can be a starting point for turning
toward what is often so difficult to be with: the realization that we are often
alone and lonely.
You might begin by simply suggesting that your client bring
her attention to noticing if there are any physical sensations in her body as
she speaks of her despair about her eating binges or restrictions. Many people are
so disconnected from their bodies that at first this seems to be an outrageous
request and impossible for them to do. It helps to reassure them that there is
no right way to feel, no particular sensation to have. Just being present with
what they are feeling in the moment is a step toward becoming a tiny bit more comfortable
with emotions that they have been afraid to feel all their life.
Here’s the discovery that one client made: I have
been working on sitting with my emotions, a completely foreign concept tome, in
therapy. One particularly challenging day, I cried my way through therapy as we
sat with my loneliness, sat noticing all the physical sensations that came
along with my emotions and thoughts. I had not previously been aware
that I was feeling
lonely.
It might seem that there is no connection between disordered
eating patterns and sitting with the physical sensations in the body that arise
from difficult thoughts and feelings. Such an exercise might seem like a waste
of time to your patient and even to you as her counselor, dietitian, nurse or doctor.
However, uncovering and sitting with difficult emotions is the first step away
from the automatic habit of “treating” distressing emotions by eating. The
second step is a step forward, listing and using a variety of options for
self-care that do not involve eating. These steps, practiced many times with
our encouragement, can help our clients shift from thinking that they must give
up their best friend – food – to befriending themselves, and moving into a
realm of greater freedom, freedom to make better choices and to enjoy a
healthier life.
-Char Wilkins, MSW, LCSW, is a mindfulness-based
psychotherapist specializing in women’s issues. She is a certified MBSR
instructor and trains professionals nationwide in the use of mindfulness skills
with clients and patients. Contact her at www.info@amindfulpath.com.
Overcoming Loneliness
By Donald Altman, M.A., LPC
Loneliness may be one of the biggest causes of emotional
eating. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know that this emotion is even the culprit.
If you often eat when alone, or even avoid eating with others and prefer to remain
isolated, loneliness has to be considered as one of the usual suspects that
results in unbalanced eating behavior. If you eat when lonely or bored, then
loneliness is eating at you. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be that way. What
follow are three steps to coping with the loneliness in a healthy way.
The first step is to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and
clearly identify the emotion it represents. If you haven’talready identified
this feeling as loneliness or boredom, allow yourself to sit with the feeling until
you can give it a name. Take as much time as you need and be patient with yourself.
Take a break and try another time if it’s too difficult to do this at one sitting.
You may find that the simple act of being present with the feeling and giving it
a name can give you some immediate relief.
Step two involves using the awareness you have gained by naming
the feeling to engage in a healthier coping skill. If you are feeling lonely,
then you need to do something about it. Get out a sheet of paper and write down
a short action plan. This could include such things as calling a friend or
making plans to increase your social connections—such as going to a class, a
church, or even sitting at a coffee house where you can interact with others.
If bored, make a list of all the enjoyable hobbies or activities that you could
do in that moment instead of eating.
Step three is where you take action. This includes making
calls and scheduling your meetings with others. By doing this, you are taking
action to deal with the root issue that is causing mindless eating. As you
bring the joy of friendship and supportive resources into your life, you may notice
that loneliness is no longer eating away at you—and that’s a good feeling.
-Donald Altman, LPC, is a
psychotherapist, former Buddhist monk, award-winning writer, and author of the
new book One Minute Mindfulness. Other books include 12-Weeks to
Mindful Eating, Meal By Meal, The Mindfulness Code, and Art of
the Inner Meal. Donald consults and leads mindfulness workshops around the
country. He currently serves as Vice President of TCME. His website is
www.mindfulpractices.com. Contact: info@mindfulpractices.com.
Loneliness and Boredom
By Jan Chozen Bays, MD
Loneliness and boredom are often triggers for eating comfort
foods, or for eating at inappropriate times.
When we feel the impulse to eat at an odd time (such as an
hour after lunch or when we can't fall asleep at night ) we can take a moment
to investigate what is happening in our body, heart and mind.
We can check within
our bodies to investigate if we are actually hungry.
How full does our stomach feel?
Empty? One quarter full? Half full?
Full? Stuffed?
If we realize that we're not actually hungry, we can
investigate our feelings and thoughts.
We can check in with
our feelings to investigate what emotions might be present. It helps to become acquainted with the
particular body sensations that accompany different emotions. For example, the
body signals of loneliness in one person might be a sagging feeling in the eyelids
and heaviness in the chest. We find that the body can tell us about feelings of
loneliness or boredom that we are not fully aware of.
We can check the
background dialogue in our minds. The mind might be subtly murmuring,
"I feel so alone. I need to comfort myself with something to eat, " or "I'm bored. I need some exciting
taste sensations in my mouth."
Once we've identified the emotion we are feeling, what can we
do? If the discomfort we are feeling is
arising from loneliness, we can reach
out. We can call someone who cares for us.
We can reach out to another person who might be lonely. We can play with
a child or pet. We can go outdoors and open our awareness to the company of
trees and birds.
If the discomfort arises from boredom, we can challenge the
mind that says, "There's nothing going on," by looking directly and
carefully at just what actually IS going on. We can sit down for a moment and focus
on the breath, curious about the thousands of tiny sensations in and on our
body. We can look at a flower close up, drinking in its color with our eyes. We
can open our ears to the many sounds, obvious and subtle, that surround
us. We can sip a cup of tea slowly,
aware of changes in temperature and flavor. When we are fully present, when
boredom is replaced by curiosity, when loneliness is replaced by reaching out
to others, our discontent can dissolve and be replaced by satisfaction and
ease.
-Jan Chozen Bays, MD is a pediatrician
and Zen teacher in Oregon. She is the author of Mindful Eating: A Guide to
Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful Relationship with Food.
